Doctor Who Stupid Chat
by Harkness of Darkness
Summary: Crack fic involving Jack Harkness meeting the 11th, Amy, Rory and the Internet. WARNING: Harkness humor, Torchwood references, general insanity.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who. Not at all. If I had, Jack would have been a Time Lord.**

**Also, this is a work my myself and a friend, so it's somewhat inconsistent. And all grammar mistakes are purposeful in chats. It's what we believe the characters would really be like.**

**Anyways, stop reading this and enjoy the insanity!**

XxX

It was a week after the unique and exciting adventures in the odd little forest in the "wardrobe", that is to say, the TARDIS, and Rory, Amy and the Doctor were out celebrating. The particular area they were seated at was a bar which was called, quite literally, "The Bar", which Amy assumed had something to do with "The Doctor". Especially considering that the bartender - as well as a large majority of the customers - knew him well enough to give him a cheery greeting and free drink.****

A certain amount of minutes later - though the exact number, no one knew - a man in rather bad shape staggered into The Bar. He was bleeding and his eye-catching trench coat was in tatters. He didn't seem all that pleased about it either, and made sure everyone in his vicinity knew that. "They are _so_getting _hell to pay_after this! This coat cost me fifteen hundred pounds!" A few other words were used as well, but they will be excluded for the sake of anyone reading this who has little ears.****

However, this outburst was not completely negative in its effects. One person in particular noticed who he was. The kindly bartender. "Captain Harkness! You're just in time! The Doctor's here!"****

Thus dubbed-Captain straightened up suddenly, smiling just as abruptly. "The Doctor? Where? I don't see him," he frowned again.****

"I'm the Doctor," stated the Doctor, jovially.****

Amy caught the arm of his coat before he could move. "Doctor! Be careful! It might be a trap!" She whispered in her, well, Amy-esque way. "And, he doesn't exactly look safe. Safe people don't bleed in public."****

He smiled at her innocently in his, well, Doctor-esque way. "Don't worry. He looks almost as cool as I do!" He sauntered over to the semi-injured man and held his hand out. "Hello sir! I'm the Doctor."****

Jack gazed up at the Doctor sadly. "You regenerated, didn't you."****

"Yes, I did." He smiled devilishly. "Jack."****

Jack grinned. "You do remember me!"****

"How on earth could I possibly forget someone as insane as you? You're almost at my level of madness!" He grinned as well, then pulled his old friend in a bear hug. "How've you been, Jack?"****

"You know him?" Amy inquired, accusingly.****

"Of course he knows me! Can't get rid of me, can he? Hasn't changed all that much, really. Though the new butt may take some getting used to," he slapped the Doctor in said rear end while walking over towards Amy. "And, you are?" He put on a flirting smile.****

"You-you were just bleeding. Staggering. Now you're not!" Rory interjected. He had to. The world was going mad, yet again, so he to point out the obvious. "And he's American!"****

"Oooh, who's this?" Apparently, Jack found Rory even more interesting than Amy. Not surprising. The man might be omni-sexual, but that doesn't mean he doesn't lean one way more than the other.****

"Rory. Rory Williams. No, Rory Pond. Sorry." He cleared his throat. "Rory Pond."****

Jack raised his eyebrows at that, but didn't comment. "Jack Harkness, at your service. And I don't die. Sort of his fault. And yes, I am American. From the 51st century. Now, Rory, have you used the internet before?"****

"The - sorry, _what?_**" **The switch of topics had Rory baffled.****

"The internet," he repeated patiently. "Specifically chats."****

"Y-yeah, but why, exactly?"****

"Because in the near future, we're going to be separated, and I need a way of contacting you." Jack flashed his dazzling smile.****

"Oh, lovely. Someone else who knows the future," Amy grumbled.****

"Um. Yeah. I have a computer," Rory had yet to really figure out what was going on.****

"Great! Here's the website!" He handed Rory a pink sticky note with a rather long web address, a username and a time. "See you guys online soon. Gotta run!" He dashed off into the distance with his trench coat fluttering behind him.****

"What the bloody-"****

A pair of aliens barged in through the door. "Where is Jack Harkness?" They hissed.****

Two hours later, after said aliens disappeared because of the lack of finding their target, and the three had returned to the TARDIS Rory turned on his computer and typed in a very long address.

XxX

******Romans_R_Cool has signed on.******

Romans_R_Cool: Is this the website?**  
****  
**Harkness_of_Darkness: took you long enough. and what's with the username? romans?****

Romans_R_Cool: I like Romans. I was a Roman. Once.****

Harkness_of_Darkness: ooookay. anyways. how's it going on the TARDIS?****

Romans_R_Cool: Amy is laughing at your lack of good grammar. Not that she's one to talk.****

Harkness_of_Darkness: who's amy?****

**The_Girl_Who_Waited has signed on.******

The_Girl_Who_Waited: I'm Amy ****

Harkness_of_Darkness: you wouldn't happen to be the girl who was with our dear Doctor the other day, were you? :D****

The_Girl_Who_Waited: I was that girl. :D****

Harkness_of_Darkness: Ooooo I like red hair. wanna hang out sometime, maybe after we save the world together a couple times? *winks*****

The_Girl_Who_Waited: Oh definitely ;) ****

Harkness_of_Darkness: well then! it's a date.**  
**Harkness_of_Darkness: oh Rory, who's the lucky man?****

Romans_R_Cool: What?****

Harkness_of_Darkness: you know, your husband.****

Romans_R_Cool: Where on _earth _did you get the idea that I have a _husband?_****

Harkness_of_Darkness: you said your last name was Willard or something, but then you corrected yourself. you only change your surname if you're married to a man. don't worry, I don't mind :3 ****

Harkness_of_Darkness: so, i repeat, who's the lucky man?****

The_Girl_Who_Waited: I am :D****

Harkness_of_Darkness: oh really? have any time for a threesome on your honeymoon?****

Romans_R_Cool: We're _not_on our honeymoon, we _don't_go for threesomes, and my name was previously _Williams._We just agreed to stick with Amy's last name.****

Harkness_of_Darkness: aww, that's no fun! D: well if you get in the mood for it, the offer still stands...****

The_Girl_Who_Waited: I'm up for it.****

**TheRealDoctor is online******

TheRealDoctor: So Jack how have you been? It's been a long time since I've seen you. So what was up with those aliens at the bar?****

Harkness_of_Darkness: DOCTOR! I MISSED YOUUUUUU~~~ haha it's been good. the aliens, well...let's just say Torchwood isn't outta the woods yet :3 ****

TheRealDoctor: Ah so start at the beginning then Jack. ****

Harkness_of_Darkness: haha ok so we were researching this sort of egg thing in the middle of London cuz it had really bad effects on the people in its area, but apparently it's parents don't like us touching it...so, yeah, i was trying to distract it. Gwen will deal with the egg, but i'm on the run. it's fun XD****

TheRealDoctor: Do you know what planet these creatures were from?****

Harkness_of_Darkness: no idea. i thought that was your area of expertise.****

TheRealDoctor: Well what did these creatures look like?****

Harkness_of_Darkness: blueish, purplish? a bit like a cross between people and salamanders and mermen, i think? all i know fer sure is that they were hwt 3****

TheRealDoctor: Sound like Unamundaians. Was their speech similar to ours except their words sound jumbled? ****

Harkness_of_Darkness: actually yeah, but you heard them didn't you? when i ran out of the store and left you guys to deal with them? (sorry about that btw)****

The_Girl_Who_Waited: Yeah thank you for that... :p****

TheRealDoctor: Well, the TARDIS translates them for us so it sounds like they're speaking English... ****

Harkness_of_Darkness: ah i miss that...anyways! so how do you fight the unamundaians?****

TheRealDoctor: You don't.****

Harkness_of_Darkness: ….don't?****

TheRealDoctor: No fighting you can ask them nicely to return to their planet. ****

Harkness_of_Darkness: ah right, i forgot the way you do things is different. but Doctor, this planet is protected by Torchwood, and i have to do things the Torchwood way since Torchwood's in charge of this mission. not you.****

TheRealDoctor: Well, Jack, who's been saving the world since before you were born. Who's name makes species run and hide just at the mention of it. ****

Harkness_of_Darkness: technically, I'm older than you now...**  
****  
**TheRealDoctor: That's not what we're fighting about...****

Romans_R_Cool: wait, how old are you then? over 2000?****

Harkness_of_Darkness: yeah, about 2200, why?****

Romans_R_Cool: YES, SOMEONE AS OLD AS ME!****

The_Girl_Who_Waited: Wow, Rory... ****

Harkness_of_Darkness: sweet, wanna tell stories over lunch sometime? (and maybe a movie)****

TheRealDoctor: Now is not the time...****

Harkness_of_Darkness: right, right, I was just being friendly. anyways, Gwen and i will take care of this.****

TheRealDoctor: You are never just being friendly... and if you kill them I swear...****

Harkness_of_Darkness: i've reformed Torchwood, we don't kill aliens, we capture them and use their technology. or at least, we did, until...you know...Miracle Day...**  
**Harkness_of_Darkness: which you weren't there for! why on earth weren't you _there_?****

TheRealDoctor: Well you know me always... uh traveling riding the tide...****

Harkness_of_Darkness: yeah, well the whole of humanity was almost destroyed! and the four-five-six? that was OUR CHILDREN! humanity's children!****

TheRealDoctor: I probably wasn't meant to be there you know I try not to meddle...****

The_Girl_Who_Waited: When do you not try to meddle? You the most meddliest meddler there is.****

TheRealDoctor: Well when there is a big event like that it's locked in time there's nothing I could do to change it. I wish I could've helped but I couldn't. ****

Romans_R_Cool: I'm not following any of this...****

Harkness_of_Darkness: it's ok, sexy.****

Romans_R_Cool: WTF. I'M MARRIED.****

The_Girl_Who_Waited: I don't mind :)****

Romans_R_Cool: AMYYYYY! T.T****

Harkness_of_Darkness: i'll meet you two up later then :3**  
**Harkness_of_Darkness: more (less) important, Gwen said she got a hold of the egg, and she's bringing it over to our little temporary h.q. right now**  
****  
**TheRealDoctor: Do you want us to meet you there?****

Harkness_of_Darkness: i'd love it, but it's kinda messy. our last h.q., well, kinda got blown up...****

TheRealDoctor:And why is that? *raises eyebrows*****

Harkness_of_Darkness: spoilers! :3****

The_Girl_Who_Waited: Have you been talking to River? O.o****

Romans_R_Cool: Oh yeah, that's _just_what we need. Jack and River in the same room.****

Harkness_of_Darkness: who's River? is she hot?****

The_Girl_Who_Waited: River is our daughter... and the doctor's wife...****

Harkness_of_Darkness: you got _hitched?_****

TheRealDoctor: Yeah, well, it's kind of a long story... ****

Harkness_of_Darkness: if our dear Doctor likes her, she's gotta be _sexy! _he didn't even marry rose or martha, and those were some fine ladies...****

TheRealDoctor: Actually I did marry Rose well not me exactly but a human version of me...****

Harkness_of_Darkness: ah, gwen's here. gotta go take care of this egg thing. talk to you guys later, kay? let's save the world together again, in another year or so. :3

XxX

**So what'd you think? Crazy enough for you? Like? Hate? Please review either way! XD**


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